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Essai/Dress code

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Essai/Dress code
Message de abracadabra posté le 08-05-2013 à 19:28:39 (S | E | F)
Hello everybody !

I've got an exam in two weeks and I'll need to write an essay. I've never been really finding interesting ideas and putting them on paper so I would be most grateful if you could read my essay about school uniforms and correct not only my grammar mistakes, but also the accuracy and structure of my text.
Thank you in advance for your help !

Dress codes instead of school uniforms

In the United Kingdom pupils have to wear uniforms, while in France they are allowed to wear casual clothes to school. However, some schools in Britain have got rid of the uniform, while French schools are considering bringing it back. Indeed, it is an everlasting debate in terms of creativity, equality, discipline, religion. Therefore, school uniforms should be replaced by dress codes.

The first disadvantage mentioned when talking about uniforms is that they impinge on pupils’ creativity. How we dress shows our personality, so by wearing a uniform, we lose a way to express ourselves. However, students are offered many opportunities at school to express themselves; thus, they do not need to do it through their clothes. Some teachers do creative writing exercises or ask students to make presentations on the books they have read. Some students attend art classes to get another chance to be creative.

The first advantage when debating school uniforms is that they create a sense of equality. Indeed, rich and poor pupils are wearing the same clothes; consequently, many people believe that discrimination does no longer exist. Nonetheless, bullies always find new criteria to harass their classmates. They might not beat people because of what they wear but because of the colour of their skin or because of the way they behave.

Supporters of uniforms will tell you that they have other benefits, such as reinforcing discipline. Students link uniforms with work. As a result, pupils who do not wear uniforms have a tendency to be less concentrated and less attentive to what teachers say then the ones wearing a uniform. But opponents to uniforms will argue that a recent study has demonstrated that wearing school uniforms did not have an impact on behavioural problems and attendance.

The opponents will go on explaining that religion is paramount for some children, and that they should have the right to express their religions through clothes. This particular concern is becoming increasingly important because of immigration and that is why some schools have recently started to allow students to mix religious items of clothing with the school uniform. In some school, Muslim girls can wear longer skirts than the others, as they believe that they should cover most of their bodies. This is the reason why some people claim that expressing personal beliefs and wearing a uniform are not incompatible.

The debate over school uniforms is not ready to be closed as each advantage brings a disadvantage and vice versa. An answer to this problem could be the introduction of a dress code, which has all the benefits of uniform without the many disadvantages. Students are given a lot of choice about what to wear and only few unsuitable items of clothing are banned.

To sum up, this is an endless debate because every advantage of uniforms brings a disadvantage. The solution is to be in the between of casual clothes and uniforms, which means introducing dress codes in schools.

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Modifié par lucile83 le 08-05-2013 21:03


Réponse: Essai/Dress code de sherry48, postée le 08-05-2013 à 22:00:03 (S | E)
Hello. You have only a few grammatical errors.

In the United Kingdom pupils have to wear uniforms, while in France they are allowed to wear casual clothes to school. However, some schools in Britain have got rid of the uniform, while French schools are considering bringing it back. Indeed, it is an everlasting debate in terms of creativity, equality, discipline, __ religion. Therefore, school uniforms should be replaced by dress codes.

The first disadvantage mentioned when talking about uniforms is that they impinge on pupils’ creativity. How we dress shows our personality, so by wearing a uniform, we lose a way to express ourselves. However, students are offered many opportunities at school to express themselves; thus, they do not need to do it through their clothes. Some teachers do creative writing exercises or ask students to make presentations on the books they have read. Some students attend art classes to get another chance to be creative.

The first advantage when debating school uniforms is that they create a sense of equality. Indeed, rich and poor pupils are wearing the same clothes; consequently, many people believe that discrimination does no longer exist. Nonetheless, bullies always find new criteria to harass their classmates. They might not beat people because of what they wear but because of the colour of their skin or because of the way they behave.

Supporters of uniforms will tell you that they have other benefits, such as reinforcing discipline. Students link uniforms with work. As a result, pupils who do not wear uniforms have a tendency to be less concentrated and less attentive to what teachers say then th__e ones wearing a uniform. But opponents to uniforms will argue that a recent study has demonstrated that wearing school uniforms did not have an impact on behavioural problems and attendance. (I would link your 2 facts with a different conjunction).

The opponents will go on explaining (I would use the infinitive) that religion is paramount for some children, and that they should have the right to express their religions through clothes. This particular concern is becoming increasingly important because of immigration and that is why some schools have recently started to allow students to mix religious items of clothing with the school uniform. In some school_, Muslim girls can wear longer skirts than the others, as they believe that they should cover most of their bodies. This is the reason why some people claim that expressing personal beliefs and wearing a uniform are not incompatible.

The debate over school uniforms is not ready to be closed as each advantage brings a disadvantage and vice versa. An answer to this problem could be the introduction of a dress code, which has all the benefits of uniform_ without the many disadvantages. Students are given a lot of choice about what to wear and only __ few unsuitable items of clothing are banned.

To sum up, this is an endless debate because every advantage of uniforms brings a disadvantage. The solution is to be in the between of casual clothes and uniforms, which means introducing dress codes in schools.

Sherry



Réponse: Essai/Dress code de abracadabra, postée le 09-05-2013 à 09:06:58 (S | E)
Thank you so much for your help !

Is it better if I say :
1. discrimination no longer exists
2. then those wearing a uniform
Is is better if I use on the other hand instead of but to link my ideas ?

What about the structure ? Is it correct or should I change it ?



Réponse: Essai/Dress code de sherry48, postée le 09-05-2013 à 12:42:38 (S | E)
Hello.
I would say yes to your 3 questions.
You have a clear thesis statement. Perhaps for each of your paragraphs you could even more clearly relate it back to the particular point of the four. For example, you could say a little more about the relationship of bullying to equality.
You state that a dress code has all the benefits without the disadvantages. Do you think that you have addressed the impact on each of your four points adequately?
Sherry



Réponse: Essai/Dress code de abracadabra, postée le 09-05-2013 à 15:16:44 (S | E)
Thank you again for your answer !

I will develop a bit more my point about the advantages of a dress code before I hand it in !





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