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Short story/correction

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Short story/correction
Message de natyna posté le 27-11-2012 à 23:04:43 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous! Je dois écrire la fin d'un conte, en l’occurrence celle de "Lamb to the Slaughter" Roald Dahl. Pourriez-vous corriger mes fautes s'il vous plait?
Merci beaucoup par avance

After few seconds, a stream of questions came to her mind. She started to panic telling herself : “Gosh! What did I do?”, “Why did I do that?!”, “Did he died?”. Nevertheless, after a quick-thinking, she took a deep breath and decided to bury the body in the back yard, in this way she could get rid of any evidence of guilt.
But suddenly, someone knocked at the door. She tried to hide the body quickly. Then, she came into the house and opened the front door : it was their neighbor who needed some sugar. When she saw him, she tried to act as natural as possible in order to avoid drawing people's attention.
She immediately got back to the place she had left her husband's body, but she didn't see anyone : the body has disappeared. Worried, she fast got inside the house where she took few moments of reflexion, thinking that it was a very weird situation : her husband might be alive!
Soon after, she received a call from Patrick. As she had expected, he was well and truly alive. He began to give her a muddle explanation of that odd situation :
“I understand that what I told you was very astonishing and hard to believe. I don't bear any grudge against you my love. It was an understandable reaction. But please, listen to me. I beg you! We don't have much time left! I'll explain you later what is going on. The only thing I can tell you for the moment is that the police will come soon to arrest me because I am accused of a crime even if I haven't killed anyone! Don't believed what they are going to tell you. It will be a pack of lies! So, for God's sake, be careful! You know how much I love you, I would be unable to betray you, please trust me! I'm sorry dear I need to hang up right now!”
The phone call conversation ended up dramatically and Mary didn't have enough time to say anything. Moreover, she didn't know how to react and what to think about this amazing story. To a certain extent, she was completely lost and puzzled that's why she stayed motionless staring at the front door with a blank face. She had a kind of crazed look in her eyes. She didn't know what to do. Did she have to trust him and his unbelievable story? Or did she have to give herself up to the police and tell the whole story? She was torn between her conscience and her deep love for her husband.
Meanwhile, as incredible as it may seems, the policemen did come asking her where Patrick was. Since, she wasn't able to answer the question because of her state of shock, the policemen began to rummage through the house. Eventually, they didn't find anything so they decided to come back to the police station. At this moment Marie suddenly regained her consciousness telling herself that her husband had said the truth.
In a surge of hopelessness, the pregnant woman wanted to call again her husband that's why she tried to contact him on his cell phone and fortunately he picked up the phone!
She said completely terrified : “I'm so sorry sweetheart. Now I fully believe you. You were right, something is being plotted”. “Where are you, dear? How do you feel? What happened exactly? Please tell me the whole story!” implored the woman.
“The police are corrupted people. They involved me in the murder of their police chief but I swear, I didn't do anything! I'm innocent, Trust me, I'm not lying! Unfortunately for me, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time! I still can not believed what happened to me, how things get so out of control. I don't know how I could get trapped this way! I know it's crazy but if I didn't tell you a word of this plot, it was because I wanted to keep you and the baby safe, far from all of these trouble. You are my only reason to exist and to live. I know I couldn't bear to lost you and the baby, and all the more so on my fault! I just didn't want you to get involved in this dangerous morass. You are too precious to me. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just trying to protect my dear family as every good guy would do. Don't blame me my love. I'm so sorry, I have to flee straight away. I love you.” explained heatedly Tim.
“Let me come along with you. I cannot live without you. Please, my love, please. I need you, WE need you. PLEASE” begged Marie.
“Fair enough. I can not refuse you anything! Wait for me. I'm coming tonight to pick you up my darling.” affirmed her husband before hanging up.
Marie waited for her husband all night long until the dawn. The more the minutes were passing the more she despaired of seeing her husband. At the very moment when she started to lost her last hope, Tim, appeared suddenly, coming from the back door. He hugged warmly his wife and kissed her pregnant woman's belly. There was no more time to waste that's why they run away far from all these terrible machinations, in a safe place where they could bring their baby up

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 28-11-2012 06:34


Réponse: Short story/correction de gerondif, postée le 27-11-2012 à 23:24:19 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
bizarre de voir le mari ressusciter après son coup de gigot...... en vert, corrections offertes, le reste est à corriger.

After a few seconds, a stream of questions came to her mind. She started to panic telling herself : “Gosh! What did I do?”, “Why did I do that?!”, “Did he died (de plus on dirait plutôt is he dead ?) ?”. Nevertheless, after a quick-thinking, she took a deep breath and decided to bury the body in the back yard, in this way she could get rid of any evidence of guilt.
But suddenly, someone knocked at the door. She tried to hide the body quickly. Then, she came into the house and opened the front door : it was their neighbor who needed some sugar. When she saw him, she tried to act as natural as possible in order to avoid drawing people's attention.
She immediately got back to the place where she had left her husband's body, but she didn't see anyone : the body has(plue perfect) disappeared. Worried, she fast(mal placé, quickly irait mieux) got inside the house where she took a few moments of reflexion, thinking that it was a very weird situation : her husband might be alive!
Soon after, she received a call from Patrick. As she had expected, he was well and truly alive. He began to give her a muddle*(participe passé) explanation of that odd situation :
“I understand that what I told you was very astonishing and hard to believe. I don't bear any grudge against you my love. It was an understandable reaction. But please, listen to me. I beg you! We don't have much time left! I'll explain to you later what is going on. The only thing I can tell you for the moment is that the police will come soon to arrest me because I am accused of a crime even if I haven't killed anyone! Don't believed what they are going to tell you. It will be a pack of lies! So, for God's sake, be careful! You know how much I love you, I would be unable to betray you, please trust me! I'm sorry dear I need to hang up right now!”
The phone call conversation ended up dramatically and Mary didn't have enough time to say anything. Moreover, she didn't know how to react and what to think about this amazing story. To a certain extent, she was completely lost and puzzled that's why she stayed motionless staring at the front door with a blank face. She had a kind of crazed look in her eyes. She didn't know what to do. Did she have to (choix d'auxiliaire maladroit; would she, could she, should she...)trust him and his unbelievable story? Or did she have to give herself up to the police and tell the whole story? She was torn between her conscience and her deep love for her husband.

-------------------
Modifié par gerondif le 27-11-2012 23:32



Réponse: Short story/correction de gerondif, postée le 27-11-2012 à 23:32:15 (S | E)
suite,

Meanwhile, as incredible as it may seems , the policemen did come asking her where Patrick was. Since, she wasn't able to answer the question because of her state of shock, the policemen began to rummage through the house. Eventually, they didn't find anything so they decided to come(go) back to the police station. At this moment Marie suddenly regained her consciousness telling herself that her husband had said the truth.
In a surge of hopelessness, the pregnant woman wanted to call again(back?) her husband that's why she tried to contact him on his cell phone and fortunately he picked up the phone!
She said completely terrified : “I'm so sorry sweetheart. Now I fully believe you. You were right, something is being plotted”. “Where are you, dear? How do you feel? What happened exactly? Please tell me the whole story!” implored the woman.
“The police are corrupted people. They involved me in the murder of their police chief but I swear, I didn't do anything! I'm innocent, Trust me, I'm not lying! Unfortunately for me, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time! I still cannot believed what happened to me, how things get(preterite) so out of control. I don't know how I could get trapped this way! I know it's crazy but if I didn't tell you a word of this plot, it was because I wanted to keep you and the baby safe, far from all of these trouble (pluriel). You are my only reason to exist and to live. I know I couldn't bear to lost(infinitif) you and the baby, and all the more so on my fault! I just didn't want you to get involved in this dangerous morass. You are too precious to me. I'm not abandoning you, I'm just trying to protect my dear family as every good guy would do. Don't blame me my love. I'm so sorry, I have to flee straight away. I love you.” Tim explained heatedly .
“Let me come along with you. I cannot live without you. Please, my love, please. I need you, WE need you. PLEASE” Marie begged .
“Fair enough. I cannot refuse you anything! Wait for me. I'm coming tonight to pick you up my darling.” her husband affirmed before hanging up .
Marie waited for her husband all night long until the dawn. The more the minutes were passing(prétérit en ed) the more she despaired of seeing her husband. At the very moment when she started to lost(inf) her last hope, Tim, appeared suddenly, coming from (through) the back door. He hugged his wife warmly and kissed her pregnant woman's belly. There was no more time to waste that's why they run(prétérit) away far from all these terrible machinations, in(to, il y a déplacement avec run) a safe place where they could bring their baby up



Réponse: Short story/correction de natyna, postée le 27-11-2012 à 23:39:05 (S | E)
Merci infiniment!
J'ai bien pris note des corrections. Merci beaucoup!
Bonne soirée.




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