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Story writing

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Story writing
Message de vieestbelle posté le 30-12-2010 à 14:13:29 (S | E | F)
Bonjour.
I have a story writing as a homework.
Can anyone correct my work (grammar/mistakes ) and give their opinion about my work.
Thanks for your help in advance.

The situation of the story : A girl goes to Mr Will's house to introduce herself as Mr Will's illegitimate child.

Story :

I intruded into will's family on a Halloween day. It was a Sunday morning, I went to my father's house with my interpreter and I rang the bell. I waited eagerly on the doorsteps, hoping that my father would open the door. I went to will’s house to introduce myself as Mr. Will’s illegitimate child. Quite frankly, I was ashamed to introduce myself as Mr. will’s child born out of wedlock, yet I was forced to do that because I had promised to my mother that I would go to my father’s house after her death. After some minutes, an old lady opened the door. Contrary to what I thought, Mrs. Wills was unattractive .She was a little fat woman with ridiculous little rounded glasses. She was a sturdy, some seventy years of age, and sallow skinned woman with a rigid face. She starred at me with an ashen face. Then, she gulped twice and went inside without saying a word. Some seconds later, she came back with a fistful of chocolate nougats and gave it to me. She thought that I was a trick or treater.My interpreter came forward and said to her in a weird tone that I was Mr. Wills’s illegitimate child. She shot a last long questioning gaze at me and she came close to me silently, with a ghastly face. I could see from her rigid face that she was vibrating with inward fear. Then, she asked, after a brief pause, where I was from. I replied that I was from Vietnam. Her face flushed up as if she were struggling with suffocation .We exchanged a quick glance and for a moment we were silent. She drew a long breathe and she glanced keenly at me again with some irritation. At last she spoke to me with a silent tone. When she spoke to me, she looked tense like a bow string. I was nervous at that time .I didn’t know how she would react with me. ‘Come in ‘She muttered while she was opening the door. Her voice was rough and she said the last words in a very low tone and very quietly in a bustling way. Then, I entered inside the house in a pin drop silence.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 30-12-2010 14:22



Réponse: Story writing de gerondif, postée le 30-12-2010 à 14:49:24 (S | E)
Bonjour,

texte de fort bon niveau !
bleu: à corriger. rouge: à corriger d'urgence! vert: correction offerte !
The situation of the story : A girl goes to Mr Will's house to introduce herself as Mr Will's illegitimate child.

Story :

I intruded into will's family on a Halloween day. It was on a Sunday morning, I went to my father's house with my interpreter and I rang the bell. I waited eagerly on the doorsteps, hoping that my father would open the door. I went to will’s house to introduce myself as Mr. Will’s illegitimate child. Quite frankly, I was ashamed to introduce myself as Mr. will’s child born out of wedlock, yet I was forced to do that because I had promised to(verbe transitif) my mother that I would go to my father’s house after her death. After some(a few serait plus élégant à mon oreille en tous cas) minutes, an old lady opened the door. Contrary to what I had thought(semble plus logique), Mrs. Wills was unattractive .She was a little fat woman with ridiculous little rounded glasses. She was a sturdy and sallow skinned woman, some seventy years of age(ira mieux placé derrière, sinon, ça fait long avec une rupture de construction), with a rigid face. She starred at me with an ashen face. Then, she gulped twice and went inside without saying a word. Some (a few) seconds later, she came back with a fistful of chocolate nougats and gave it(it pour the fistful, them pour les nougats, je préférerais them) to me. She thought that I was a trick or treater.My interpreter came forward and said to her in a weird tone that I was Mr. Wills’s illegitimate child. She shot a last long questioning gaze at me and she came close to me silently, with a ghastly face. I could see from her rigid face that she was vibrating with inward fear. Then, she asked, after a brief pause, where I was from. I replied that I was from Vietnam. Her face flushed up as if she were struggling with suffocation .We exchanged a quick glance and for a moment we were silent. She drew a long breathe and (she) keenly glanced( plus léger ainsi) at me again with some irritation. At last she spoke to me with a silent tone (un ton de voix peut-il être silencieux ?). When she spoke to me, she looked tense like a bow string. I was nervous at that time .I didn’t know how she would react with me. ‘Come in ‘She muttered while (she was) opening the door (on pourrait même supprimer while, l'action n'est pas longue à ce point). Her voice was rough and she said the last words in a very low tone and very quietly in a bustling way (comment le ton peut-il être à la fois bas et animé ?). Then, I entered inside (verbe transitif: I entered the house // I went into the house, I went inside the house) the house in a pin drop silence. (je connais: "you could have heard a pin drop" mais le mot composé me surprend: j'aurais mis " in dead silence" sans "a" et je ne trouve pas pin drop dans le dictionnaire en ligne mais je n'ai pas non plus le temps de tout lire !!)

well done, Miss !



Réponse: Story writing de dsmith, postée le 30-12-2010 à 14:51:03 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Très bien fait l'histoire! Voilà quelques corrections:

I intruded into will's (we don't say just a last name alone, and names must be capitalized) family on a Halloween day. It was a Sunday morning, I went to my father's house with my interpreter and I rang the bell. I waited eagerly on the doorsteps, hoping that my father would open the door. I went to will’s house to introduce myself as Mr. Will’s (to much repetition - "his") illegitimate child. Quite frankly, I was ashamed to introduce myself as Mr. will’s (use the pronoun) child born out of wedlock, yet I was forced to do that because I had promised to my mother that I would go to my father’s house after her death. After some minutes, an old lady opened the door. Contrary to what I thought, Mrs. Wills was unattractive .She was a little fat woman with ridiculous little rounded glasses. She was a sturdy, some seventy years of age, and sallow (I don't recognize that word) skinned woman with a rigid face. She starred at me with an ashen face. Then, she gulped twice and went inside without saying a word. Some seconds later, she came back with a fistful of chocolate nougats and gave it to me. She thought that I was a trick or treater. My interpreter came forward and said to her in a weird tone that I was Mr. Wills’s (before you put Will's) illegitimate child. She shot a last long questioning gaze at me and she came close to me silently, with a ghastly face. I could see from her rigid face that she was vibrating with inward (maybe inner is better here) fear. Then, she asked, after a brief pause, where I was from. I replied that I was from Vietnam. Her face flushed up as if she were struggling with suffocation . (pourqoui les espace avant le point et pas après?) We exchanged a quick glance and for a moment we were silent. She drew a long breathe (breath is the noun - breathe is the verb) and she glanced keenly at me again with some irritation. At last she spoke to me with a silent tone. When she spoke to me, she looked tense like a bow string. I was nervous at that time .I didn’t know how she would react with to me. ‘Come in ‘She muttered while she was opening the door. Her voice was rough and she said the last words in a very low tone and very quietly in a bustling (bustling is noisy, not quiet) way. Then, I entered inside (this is redundant) the house in a pin drop silence. (Maybe: As I entered the house you could hear a pin drop in the silence.)



Réponse: Story writing de vieestbelle, postée le 30-12-2010 à 17:35:56 (S | E)
thank you for correcting my story gerondif and dsmith.I corrected the mistakes you have pointed out.Please check it and tell me if there is any more mistake thank you once again sir .....


I intruded into Mr.Will's family on a Halloween day. It was on Sunday morning, I went to my father's house with my interpreter and I rang the bell.I waited eagerly on the doorsteps, hoping that my father would open the door. I went to Mr. Will’s house to introduce myself as his illegitimate child. Quite frankly, I was ashamed to introduce myself as his child born out of wedlock, yet I was forced to do that because I had promised my mother that I would go to my father’s house after her death. After a few minutes, an old lady opened the door. Contrary to what I had thought, Mrs. Wills was unattractive .She was a little fat woman with ridiculous little rounded glasses. She was a sturdy, some seventy years of age,( should i put * some 70 years of age after *rigidface? and sallow skinned woman with a rigid face. She stared at me with an ashen face. Then, she gulped twice and went inside without saying a word. A few seconds later, she came back with a fistful of chocolate nougats and gave them to me. She thought that I was a trick or treater.My interpreter came forward and said to her in a weird tone that I was Mr. Will’s illegitimate child. She shot a last long questioning gaze at me and she came close to me silently, with a ghastly face. I could see from her rigid face that she was vibrating with inner fear. Then, she asked, after a brief pause, where I was from. I replied that I was from Vietnam. Her face flushed up as if she were struggling with suffocation. She drew a long breath and she keenly glanced at me again with some irritation. At last she spoke to me with a hushed tone. When she spoke to me, she looked tense like a bow string. I was nervous at that time .I didn’t know how she would react to me. ‘Come in ‘She muttered while opening the door. Her voice was rough and she said the last words in a very low tone and very quietly in a creeping way. Then, I went into the house in dead silence.



Réponse: Story writing de gerondif, postée le 31-12-2010 à 00:38:52 (S | E)
Bonsoir,

Votre texte me semble correct.
j'avais déjà déplacé l'âge dans la position qui semble plus fluide à mon oreille.

She was a sturdy and sallow-skinned woman, some seventy years of age, with a rigid face.



Réponse: Story writing de dsmith, postée le 31-12-2010 à 01:28:08 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Mrs. Will -> pas Mrs. Wills

Creeping -> I think you should use the adjective creepy

It's very good!




Réponse: Story writing de notrepere, postée le 31-12-2010 à 04:26:40 (S | E)
Hello

trick-or-treater (il faut les tirets et cette expression est américaine)

She shot a last long [bizarre: 'a long-lasting and questioning gaze' serait mieux] at me and she came close to ['walked towards'] me silently ['in silence'], with a ghastly face. I could see from her rigid face that she was vibrating with inner fear [bizarre: 'trembling with fear' est plus courant]. Then, she asked [mettre après 'a brief pause'], after a brief pause, where I was from. I replied that I was from Vietnam. Her face flushed up as if she were struggling with suffocation. [Pas les meilleurs mots: 'Her face became flushed as if she were suffocating.'] She drew a long breath and she keenly glanced at me again with some irritation. At last she spoke to me with a hushed tone. When she spoke to me, she looked tense like a bow string. I was nervous at that time .I didn’t know how she would react to me. ‘Come in ‘She muttered while opening the door. Her voice was rough and she said the last words in a very low tone and very quietly in a creeping way. Then, I went into the house in dead silence.




Réponse: Story writing de vieestbelle, postée le 31-12-2010 à 10:27:56 (S | E)
Hello notrepere ,dssmith, gerondif i have corrected the mistakes u have pointed out.Thanks for spending your precious time to me and helping me .Happy new year to you and your family.Bye......Have a good day......




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