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Correction /Chinese immigrants

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction /Chinese immigrants
Message de vadius posté le 11-03-2010 à 23:55:19 (S | E | F)

Bonsoir,

Il serait outrageusement déplacé de ma part de vous demander de corriger l'intégralité du texte que voici en raison de son exceptionnelle longueur. Néanmoins, l'appui honorable d'une personne maitrisant parfaitement la langue de Shakespeare qui, à la suite d'une lecture un tant soit peu machinale serait à même de me dire si l'interprétation de ce texte laisserait présager que je maîtrise peu ou prou l'essentiel de la langue anglaise, me réconforterait souverainement.

Cordialement.

Taking place in 1933, the events, which relate the detention of a immigrants Chinese family, are located in the Immigration Station for Chinese immigrants on Angel Island also known as “The Ellis Island of the West”, more exactly in San Francisco Bay.

Among people mentioned in this passage, we first have the narrator who calls Li Keng Wong, a Chinese immigrant. Then, showing us the xenophobic and Manichean behavior of the guardians toward the immigrants and the woman’s detention conditions in the barracks, the narrative come with us through the social inequalities which manage into the Immigration Stations. Afterwards, we find out the narrator’s relatives in the persons of his older sister Li Hong, his mother and his father.

For the Chinese, the act of leaving forever their country would be regarded as the worst betrayal, in spite of political reasons which would incite them to flee. Besides, we understand that honor is what counts most for them since some hearsays relate they rather die than live in the terrible shame.

-“We were locked up in the women’s barracks". This indicates that they were absolutely cut off from the rest of the world.
-“The barracks had barred doors and windows” This sentence is reminiscent of the prisons which are also built in the same way so as to avoid the escapes.
-“Guards wearing uniforms stood outside and constantly watched us” The act of being constantly watched and looked daggers by guards on duty may refer to the discrimination which exists in prison between the prisoners and their guards who tend to look them down on.
-“[…] were still waiting to learn their fate” This suggests that the guards can wrap them round their little finger and, consequently, they are masters of their fate. Besides, it seems that nobody stick them for up.

In paragraph 5, while the other Chinese was waiting their fate with a certain anxiety, the author was rather looking for an occupation in order to pass the time; but it will be in vain since she relates us there wasn’t neither books to read nor toys with which to play in the barrack: she probably didn’t be aware of the gravity of the situation. As a conclusion, this plainly brings out the childlike side of the character.

Further to the Immigration Act of 1917, a section was designated as “Asiatic Barred Zone” from which people could not immigrate to America. Moreover, all immigrants over sixteen who were illiterate were also not allowed in America. Thus, most questions concerned their origin, their capacities in the field of work, their abilities to adjust to this new social circle; and required more or less time according to their age and their credibility.

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Modifié par lucile83 le 12-03-2010 07:51
titre


Réponse: Correction /Chinese immigrants de vadius, postée le 11-03-2010 à 23:58:06 (S | E)
Correction fastidieuse d'un essay*


Fastidieuse ? Je ne l'espère pas le moins du monde.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 12-03-2010 07:52
Etant tous bénévoles, nous ne corrigeons pas si nous trouvons un texte fastidieux


Réponse: Correction /Chinese immigrants de prescott, postée le 12-03-2010 à 02:01:55 (S | E)

Hello,

Vingt dieux, Vadius, not bad at all!

A few suggestions just for the first paragraph,then... on your own :-)

Taking place in 1933, the events, which relate [to] the detention of a immigrants Chinese family [a Chinese immigrant family or a family of Chinese immigrants], are located in the Immigration Station for Chinese [Asian] immigrants on Angel Island, also known as [often called / referred as] The “Ellis Island of the West", more exactly [precisely ] in [the middle of] San Francisco Bay.

Among [the] people mentioned in this [the] passage, we first have the narrator who calls Li Keng Wong, a Chinese immigrant. [a Chinese immigrant called LKW]. Then, showing us the xenophobic and Manichean behavior of the guardians toward the immigrants and the [adjective welcome] woman's detention conditions in the barracks, the narrative come[s] with us through the social inequalities which manage into the Immigration Stations. Afterwards, we find out the narrator's relatives in the persons of his older sister Li Hong, his mother and his father.







Réponse: Correction /Chinese immigrants de gabi26, postée le 12-03-2010 à 08:27:39 (S | E)
Bonjour,

tout d'abord félicitations car ton texte est d'un excellent niveau!
Je dois partir travailler alors je prendrai juste la phrase qui suit.
"Incite" ne convient pas car le mot signifie "encourager". Cherche d'autres synonymes pour inciter dans le sens d' "êre amené à / forcé de / contraint de ...faire quelque chose". Et revois la structure des propositions avec "rather" > préférer. Tu fais une faute. Attention enfin par endroit à l'usage abusif de "the". "To live in poverty" > une notion abstraite, générale n'a pas besoin de déterminant.

Bon courage à toi et encore félicitations!

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Modifié par gabi26 le 12-03-2010 08:28
Pour une fois qu'il ne s'agit pas de correction automatique, ça fait vraiment plaisir! Ce serait dommage de ne pas te donner un coup de pouce! Espère que d'autres apprécieront. Bonne journée.


Réponse: Correction /Chinese immigrants de lucile83, postée le 12-03-2010 à 09:04:12 (S | E)
Hello,
Une petite suite :

-“We were locked up in the women’s barracks". This indicates ( that means) that they were absolutely cut off from the rest of the world.
-“The barracks had barred doors and windows” This sentence is reminiscent of the prisons which are also built in the same way so as to avoid the escapes (j'utiliserais un gérondif : to avoid +v -ing).
-“Guards wearing uniforms stood outside and constantly watched us” The act of autant commencer la phrase par Being... being constantly watched and looked daggers at by guards on duty may refer to the discrimination which exists in prison between the prisoners and their guards who tend to look them down on look down on them.
-“[…] were still waiting to learn know about their fate” This suggests that the guards can wrap them round their little finger and, consequently, they are masters of manage/control their fate. Besides, it seems that nobody stick them for up sticks up for them.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 12-03-2010 15:42
oops ! merci gabi; j'aurais dû prendre un café en plus ce matin...


Réponse: Correction /Chinese immigrants de gabi26, postée le 12-03-2010 à 13:04:23 (S | E)
Re bonjour,

il me semble que l'on dit "to look daggers at"...

"In paragraph 5,..."
Vous avez un problème de sens: "the other Chinese (people / migrants...) were waiting FOR their fate" > vous parlez des autres personnes n'est-ce pas?
Vous avez souhaité traduire "plutôt", mais c'est un "plutôt" qui veut dire "à l'inverse, au contraire, à la différence" et non "de préférence".
Ensuite vous avez deux formes négatives avec "there wasn't neither...".
Puis "didn't be" > incorrect.

Je laisse la suite à mes camarades!
Bonne après-midi.



Réponse: Correction /Chinese immigrants de prescott, postée le 12-03-2010 à 14:47:22 (S | E)
Hello again,

The last paragraph,

Further to [For "Suite à..." you need a different expression : "In application of..." / "Under the provisions of..."] the Immigration Act of 1917, a section was designated as “Asiatic Barred Zone”from which people could not immigrate to America["America" is a continent. Talking about national law and zone, "the US" would be preferable]. Moreover, all immigrants over sixteen who were illiterate were also not allowed in ["banned" from [entering] America [ibid. "the country"] Thus, most questions concerned their origin, their capacities in the field of work ["work field "? What do say in French?], their abilities to adjust to this new social circle [do you mean social "environment"?] ; and required more or less time according to their age and their credibility.




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