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Correction texte- fiction

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction texte- fiction
Message de clementineg7h posté le 06-12-2009 à 23:44:04 (S | E | F)

Bonjour,
voici mon texte d'anglais. Je ne serais pas corriger toutes mes fautes, pouvez-vous m'aider?


The Candy World

I am going to explain the teddy bears’religion. When a king was elected, a religion was set up. Before, the Candy world’s people have already had several divinities, and notably the volcano divinity. They would give to divinities food and precious object. Also, teddy birds used to have faithes but, with the king, these practices became official and more important. The volcano has rather importance for the teddy bears because it brings the maple syrup. It is more venerate than the others. The teddy bears thank the divinities regularly for them donations. Each divinity receives offerings, made up several kinds of candies, whose powers popers. But the major offering is for the volcano. Once a year the teddy bears sacrifice one of their for the volcano. The sacrificed bear is designated at the citizens’assembly. The first month of the year the assembly chooses the most beautiful bear, with the better health for the sacrifice. It is a moment very important for the community. It is an honour for the sarciced bear. Indeed, in their system of values the group’s interests are more important than the intersts’individual. After, during six month, the community prepares the ceremony. Specialists take care of the sacrificed, they made him jewels and ceremonial dress with chocolate and other candies. Then the sacrifice produces a very important party. All the teddy bears parade across the island with music and songs which glorify the volcano. The younger teddy bears dance on the sacrifice’s place. After this parade this is the moment to kill the bear designated. This is the older bear who makes the sacrifice. The community gives one body part to the volcano and the other body part is added to chocolate fondue, prepared for the feast. The feast finishes late in the evening. If the volcano continues to produce a very good maple syrup that means the sacrifice was satisfying, otherwise the maple syrup WILL BE less plentiful and fragant. The teddy bears have rites of passage. They celebrate the birth, the death, the transition to adult age and the marriage. Everytime this is a party with dance, songs and feat. They make sacrifices for them divinities. At the moment of the death, the teddy bear is put in the red fruit juice river, the road towards the after-life. I can’t tell you the bear’s after-life because nobody knows.








Réponse: Correction texte- fiction de kevinchicoutimi, postée le 07-12-2009 à 18:22:37 (S | E)
Ben alors, il n'y a pas personne qui veut t'aider ? T'as pas de chances toi...


Réponse: Correction texte- fiction de gerondif, postée le 07-12-2009 à 19:15:31 (S | E)
Bonsoir:
en vert, erreurs de voca bénignes;
en rouge: erreurs de structure, de temps de grammaire
I am going to explain the teddy bears’religion. When a king was elected, a religion was set up. Before, the Candy world’s people have(temps, mettre au prétérit) already had several divinities, and notably the volcano divinity. They would give to divinities food and precious objects. Also, teddy birds used to have faiths but, with the king, these practices became official and more important. The volcano has rather importance (préférer était très important)for the teddy bears because it brings(prétérit?) the maple syrup. It is more venerated than the others. The teddy bears thank the divinities regularly for them(adj poss pluriel) donations. Each divinity receives offerings, made up several kinds of candies, whose powers popers( neveut rien dire: avec des pouvoirs propres = with their own powers). But the major offering is for the volcano. Once a year the teddy bears sacrifice one of their own for the volcano. The sacrificed bear is designated at the citizens’assembly. The first month of the year the assembly chooses the most beautiful bear, with the better health for the sacrifice. It is a very important moment for the community. It is an honour for the sacrificed bear. Indeed, in their system of values the group’s interests are more important than the intersts’individual.(faire le contraire) After, during six months,(during = au cours de + un nom, for = depuis + une durée) the community prepares the ceremony. Specialists take care of the sacrificed bear, they made(made est au prétérit alors que take care est au présent) him jewels and ceremonial dress with chocolate and other candies. Then the sacrifice produces a very important party. All the teddy bears parade across the island with music and songs which glorify the volcano. The younger teddy bears dance on the sacrifice-place. After this parade this is the moment (the time comes to)to kill the designated bear. It is the older bear who makes the sacrifice. The community gives one body part to the volcano and the other body part is added to chocolate fondue, prepared for the feast. The feast finishes late in the evening. If the volcano continues to produce a very good maple syrup, it means the sacrifice was satisfying, otherwise the maple syrup WILL BE less plentiful and fragant. The teddy bears have passage rites . They celebrate the birth, the death, the transition to adult age and the marriage. Everytime this is (there is il y a)a party with dance, songs and feast. They make sacrifices for them(adj poss pluriel) divinities. At the moment of death, the teddy bear is put into the red fruit juice river, the road towards the after-life. I can’t tell you about the bear’s after-life because nobody knows.



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Modifié par gerondif le 07-12-2009 19:27

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Modifié par gerondif le 08-12-2009 00:06

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Modifié par gerondif le 08-12-2009 00:11

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Modifié par gerondif le 09-12-2009 12:20


Réponse: Correction texte- fiction de gerondif, postée le 07-12-2009 à 23:26:49 (S | E)
Kevinchicoutimi, merci d'encourager les collègues à se frotter au texte de Clémentine ! Tentez aussi votre chance, pour qu'elle ne reste pas chocolat !



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