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Correction /famous person (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction /famous person
Message de natandco posté le 11-03-2009 à 16:56:36 (S | E | F)

Bonjour, pouvez vous me corriger les fautes? Le but de cette expression est de parler d'une personne qui a joué un role important dans notre vie et d'expliquer en quoi cette personne a marqué notre vie ou influencé nos choix Avec une partie présentation et une autre explication. Merci!

I don't choose a famous person such as an author or an actor because these people, I don't know them in reality, so I choose a person who has an important room in my heart, a person who I am very fond of, always present for me, so who plays a major role in my life.

The person who I am going to tell about is a person who I have never meet, simply because I know her since the beginning of my life, this person is one of the most important persons for me, it is my mother.
Indeed, she is very close to me and she gets on well with everybody.
Furthermore, she is understanding and i laugh all the time with her, how kind! She is an exceptional woman.She does the most beautiful job, she is mother of full-time.

So, she has made a lot of sacrifices, while she was devoting her life to her children, my mother showed that family represents the most important relationship in the world, she proved that she loves us. She gave me values as respect,perseverance, honesty and love, so she play the role of adviser.
Indeed, Day after day, she educates us in love, She always listens to us, she shares our happiness, our tears and our problems in spite of hers, we can always count on her that's why i look up to her!

Also,We can say that she is my defender, i feel safe with her and when we talk to each other, i can notice that she is adorable, even with her "stop fooling around and work".

My mother plays and still plays a major role in my life, first she is my life's teacher,then, she is an outstanding mother, she is generous and it is her who permited me to become myself, and now I can just add that she is my model. So I identify myself to her, I love her and I want to become like her in few years.

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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-03-2009 17:37
titre


Réponse: Correction /famous person de hugotachini, postée le 11-03-2009 à 19:49:30 (S | E)
En rouge tout ce qui est à supprimé
En vert sont les ajouts.

I don't didn't choose a famous person such as an author or an actor because these people, I don't know them in reality, because I don't know these people in reality so I choose chose a person somebody who has takes an important room in my heart, a person who I am very fond of that I'm fund of, always present for me so and who plays a major role in my life.

The person who I am going to tell talk about is a person who someone I have never meet met, simply because I know her since the beginning of my life, this that person is one of the most important persons for to me, it is my mother.
Indeed, she is very close to me and she gets on well with everybody.
Furthermore, she is understanding and i laugh all the time with her, how kind! She is an exceptional woman. She does the most beautiful job, she is mother of full-time.

So, she has made a lot of sacrifices, while she was devoting her life to her children, my mother showed that family represents the most important relationship in the world, she proved that she loves us. She gave me values as respect,perseverance, honesty and love, so she plays the role of adviser.
Indeed, Day after day, she educates us in love, She always listens to us, she shares our happiness, our tears and our problems in spite of hers, we can always count on her that's why i look up to her!

Also, We can say that she is my defender, i feel safe with her and when we talk to each other, i can notice that she is adorable, even with her saying sometimes "stop fooling around and work".

My mother plays and still plays a major role in my life, first she is my life's teacher, then, she is an outstanding mother, she is generous and it is her who she permited me to become myself, and now I can just add and I just have to realize and add now that she is my model. So I identify myself a lot to her, I love her and I want to become like her in few years.


Explications :

Au début de ton text utilise le passé puisque l'action de choisir est déjà terminé !
Evite vraiment les répétitions type "That person... is a person... a person..." "someone, somebody, he, she" sont des mot qui t'éviteras les répétitions par ex.
Tu doit vraiment t'appliquer à utiliser le passé quant il le faut ! "The person that I meet... The person (that) I met..."
Tu répète vraiment trop le mot "so". En français tu ne dit pas "donc" à tout bout de champs donc c'est comme en anglais !
N'oublie pas que l'anglais est une langue ultra méga hyper simple dans la formulation donc ne cherche pas de complication comme en français !!

En tout cas tu as une très belle écriture de la langue de shakespear ! Ton texte est excellent !!

Un ami anglophone !!

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Modifié par hugotachini le 11-03-2009 19:50

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Modifié par hugotachini le 11-03-2009 19:52
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Modifié par hugotachini le 11-03-2009 19:53


Réponse: Correction /famous person de natandco, postée le 11-03-2009 à 23:12:27 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup Hugotachini!! Pour ton aide et tous tes conseils!


Réponse: Correction /famous person de princess_lea, postée le 12-03-2009 à 10:11:39 (S | E)
Hmm alright, there are a few issues that I can still help you with
I've highlighted in blue the things I've changed and in pink the spelling.

I didn't choose a famous person such as an author or an actor because I don't know these people in reality. Instead, I chose somebody who takes an important place in my heart, that I'm fond of, is always present for me and who plays a major role in my life.

The person who I am going to talk about is someone I have never met, simply because I've known her since the beginning of my life. She is one of the most important people to me. It is my mother.

Indeed, she is very close to me and she gets on well with everybody.
Furthermore, she is understanding and i laugh all the time with her, how kind! She is an exceptional woman. She does the most beautiful job, she is the best mother of all-time.

So, she has made a lot of sacrifices, while she was devoting her life to her children. My mother showed that family represents the most important relationship in the world; she proved that she loves us. She gave me virtues like respect,perseverance, honesty and love, and she plays the role of adviser.

Indeed, day after day, she educates us in love. She always listens to us, she shares our happiness, our tears and our problems in spite of hers. We can always count on her- that's why I look up to her!

Also, we can say that she is my defender (protector/guardian) . I feel safe with her and when we talk to each other, i notice that she is adorable, even when she sometimes says, *or* even with her sometimes saying, "Stop fooling around and work".

My mother played and still plays a major role in my life. Firstly she is my life's teacher, then, she is an outstanding mother; she is generous and she permitted me to become myself, and I just have to realize and add now that she is my role model. I identify myself a lot in / with her, I love her and I want to become like her in few years.

Overall rather nice, hope I'm not being too picky on the little details..
Good luck!
Léa
PS the stuff in brackets are just tips, you don't have to add them.
PPS English is my best subject so I do know what I'm talking about!!



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