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Correction/real identity (1)

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Correction/real identity
Message de julienb44 posté le 17-02-2009 à 13:56:21 (S | E | F)

Bonjour a tous,
j'ai une rédaction a rendre pour la rentrée, j'aimerais bien savoir si j'ai fais des fautes car quand je me relis j'ai du mal a les voir.
merci !
je vous poste le texte:

Once he was outside, Thomas realised the extent of his act. Indeed, everybody was looking for him. His face was on all the TV screens, on all the flyers in the streets... Thomas wished he had been anywhere but here! Actually, he had to hide himself in order not to be arrested, this was just a duty! It was a hefty one as he couldn’t stand staying indoors! Furthermore, the atmosphere was incredibly bleak, clammy and gloomy. It was scorching and damp, this is why sweat drops were rolling down his face and it was utterly tough to be in the streets!
Besides, there were cops on every street-corner. Thomas succeeded in sneaking among people and finally knocked a door in a view to ringing someone. Then, the owner of the house was quite puzzled but Thomas gave him 300$ to make a phone call. While he was phoning, the owner switched on the TV and understood Thomas was wanted. He immediately caught his cell phone on the table to ring the police, but Thomas was off!
He was running into the whole streets but he stopped after a couple of minutes since he was short of oxygen. Then, as he didn’t know where he could go, he came back at Lisa to ask her for some cash. He needed a great deal of it! Lisa told him “You are throwing money down the drains”. Thomas answered “It’s time I left “and immediately got on Lisa’s car and started driving. He caught sight of hitchhikers on the road without picking them.
Two hours later, he made for the hospital entrance and met a plastic surgeon; he explained why he wanted a new face. Of course, he lied about the reasons. After the intervention, he had a new I.D, a new life, he was free!
Unfortunately, six months later, the government decided to create a fingerprint database. It was clear cut, no one could avoided it. Thomas was finally betrayed by his fingers and arrested.
Don’t forget: You can change your appearance but you never change your real identity.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-02-2009 17:18
titre


Réponse: Correction/real identity de laure95, postée le 17-02-2009 à 14:05:49 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Ton texte est très bine construit avec 1 bonne utilisation des temps et 1 bonne richesse de vocabulaire. Voici juste quelques petites chose à corriger:
Once he was outside, Thomas realised the extent of his act. Indeed, everybody was looking for him. His face was on all the TV screens, on all the flyers in the streets... Thomas wished he had been anywhere but there! Actually, he had to hide himself in order not to be arrested, this (this pour le présent) was just a duty! It was a hefty one as he couldn’t stand staying indoors! Furthermore, the atmosphere was incredibly bleak, clammy and gloomy. It was scorching and damp, this is why sweat drops were rolling down his face and it was utterly tough to be in the streets!
Besides, there were cops on every street-corner. Thomas succeeded in sneaking among people and finally knocked at a door in a view to ringing ? someone. Then, the owner of the house was quite puzzled but Thomas gave him 300$ to make a phone call. While he was phoning, the owner switched on the TV and understood what Thomas was wanted. He immediately caught his cell phone on the table to ring the police, but Thomas was off!
He was running into the whole streets but he stopped after a couple of minutes since he was short of oxygen. Then, as he didn’t know where he could go, he came back at Lisa to ask her for some cash. He needed a great deal of it! Lisa told him “You are throwing money down the drains”. Thomas answered “It’s time I left “and immediately got on Lisa’s car and started driving. He caught sight of hitchhikers on the road without picking them.
Two hours later, he made for the hospital entrance and met a plastic surgeon; he explained why he wanted a new face. Of course, he lied about the reasons. After the intervention, he had a new I.D, a new life, he was free!
Unfortunately, six months later, the government decided to create a fingerprint database. It was clear cut, no one could avoided it. Thomas was finally betrayed by his fingers and arrested.
Don’t forget: You can change your appearance but you can never change your real identity.

GOOD JOB!


Réponse: Correction/real identity de julienb44, postée le 17-02-2009 à 15:09:58 (S | E)
je dois mettre it a la place de this ?
"in a view to ringing" je voulais dire "pour appeler quelqu'un au telephone"
"at lisa" je ne vois pas ce que je dois mettre, at lisa's home?
Merci en tous cas de votre correction!


Réponse: Correction/real identity de julienb44, postée le 17-02-2009 à 18:13:28 (S | E)
?


Réponse: Correction/real identity de julienb44, postée le 18-02-2009 à 14:02:56 (S | E)
?




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