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Rédaction:besoin d'un avis seulement (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Rédaction:besoin d'un avis seulement
Message de taikeshu posté le 29-10-2008 à 15:21:31 (S | E | F)

Bonjour, j'ai écrit un texte et j'aimerai savoir s'il reste beaucoup de fautes à corriger. Je ne veux pas de correction, je veux juste savoir si le texte contient encore des erreurs. Merci d'avance.

I think that past wars to some extent teach people to defend peace. Indeed, past wars allow people to avoid making again the same mistakes that in the past. For instance, the experience of Second World War pushed people to act to avoid a new world war. Indeed this war led to the founding of the United Nations that aims to avoid a new war. It has also prompted European countries to come closer. Indeed, the Second World War has also led the founding of the European Economic Community and the reconciliation of Germany and France. So it is true that in some cases past wars teach people to defend peace. But past wars can also lead to serious tension that can cause new wars. For instance, originally the Second World War comes from the desire of Germany to get even on France after the First World War. In this example, past wars hasn’t taught people to defend peace, indeed, the First World War has on the contrary led to another war even more destructive and deadly. The First World War is also owing to tensions from previous wars. It is partly due to the willingness of France to resume Alsace and Lorraine to Germany. Indeed, after the Franco-Prussian War of 1870, the area was annexed by the newly-created German Empire in 1871. One again, past wars have not taught people to defend peace. So, in certain circumstances past wars can also incite people to make war. Everything depends on the context. In general, the greater the consequences of war were severe and serious; the more people have learned to defend peace. But I think it is quite regrettable to defend peace only after living a war. I think that peace is a noble ideal that must be defended every day.








Réponse: Rédaction:besoin d'un avis seulement de jean31, postée le 29-10-2008 à 16:46:20 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Voici ce que j'ai remarqué :

L1 Ne pas séparer le sujet de son verbe. Autrement dit,"to some extent" doit être déplacé, soit en le mettant entre virgules après that, soit en le mettant en fin de phrase. A toi de voir.
L2 Idem, ne pas séparer le V-ing de son COD, again viendra naturellement après the same mistakes.
Attention à the same...as...car c'est une comparaison.
L4 Quel est le sujet de aims ? => to aim at V-ing.
L9 Que vient faire ce présent dans un récit d'événements terminés et datés ?
L12 C'est bien pire encore.
L13 Idem. + resume qui est impropre. Resume signifie reprendre au sens de recommencer une activité.
L14 to Germany, n'est pas la bonne préposition.


Réponse: Rédaction:besoin d'un avis seulement de taikeshu, postée le 29-10-2008 à 21:07:35 (S | E)
J'ai fait des rectifications et voila ce que ça donne:

I think that, to some extent, past wars teach people to defend peace. Indeed, past wars allow people to avoid making the same mistakes again as in the past. For instance, the experience of Second World War pushed people to act to avoid a new world war. Indeed this war led to the founding of the United Nations that aims at avoiding a new war. It has also prompted European countries to come closer. Indeed, the Second World War has also led the founding of the European Economic Community and the reconciliation of Germany and France. So it is true that in some cases past wars teach people to defend peace. But past wars can also lead to serious tensions that can cause new wars. For instance, originally the Second World War came from the desire of Germany to get even on France after the First World War. In this example, past wars hasn’t taught people to defend peace, indeed, the First World War has on the contrary led to another war even more destructive and deadly. The First World War was also owing to tensions from previous wars. It was partly due to the willingness of France to retake Alsace and Lorraine. Indeed, after the Franco-Prussian War of 1870, the area was annexed by the newly-created German Empire in 1871. One again, past wars have not taught people to defend peace. So, in certain circumstances past wars can also incite people to make war. Everything depends on the context. In general, the greater the consequences of war were severe and serious; the more people have learned to defend peace. But I think it is quite regrettable to defend peace only after living a war. I think that peace is a noble ideal that must be defended every day.


Réponse: Rédaction:besoin d'un avis seulement de jean31, postée le 30-10-2008 à 09:30:51 (S | E)
Bonjour,

Tu persistes à employer le present perfect quand le prétérit s'impose.
Si le présent, dit historique, est acceptable en français, il n'en est rien en anglais.
D'où les rectifications de temps ci-dessous :

=> ...that aimed at avoiding a new war.
=> I also prompted European countries...
=> Indeed WWII also led to the founding of the EEC...
=> In this example, past wars didn't teach people to defend peace...
=> Indeed, WWI on the contrary led to another war...
=> WWI was also due to tensions...
=> ...of France to get back/recover/ Alsace and Lorraine..
=> Once again, past wars didn't teach people to defend peace.
=> ... the greater..., the more... < Pas de point-virgule mais une virgule entre les 2 éléments de la comparaison. J'avais pourtant déjà rectifié.






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