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Présentation pour BTS (correction) (1)

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Présentation pour BTS (correction)
Message de julie888 posté le 24-05-2008 à 22:40:46 (S | E | F)

Bonjour!
Je voulais juste vous demander de me corriger ma présentation de stage que je dois présenter mercredi pour mon BTS MUC.
J'ai fait de mon mieux mais je pense qu'il y a encore quelques fautes...
Il faut que je l'apprenne par cœur pour que ça rattrape ma présentation de texte. Non pas que j'ai peur, mais si je tombe sur un texte que je ne comprends pas, ça limitera la casse...
Merci d'avance

Voici ma présentation :

My name is Julie and I currently do a BTS MUC in Montpellier.
I did my training period at xxxxxx for 12 (twelve) weeks. 7 weeks in my first year, and 5 weeks in this year.
La Poste has a particularity; it has a dual role as a postal service and a bank at the same time.

For found my training period, I had to call a large number of firms especially in bank.
I found this position in La Poste by contacting the local boss who placed me in the post-office of xxxxxxxxx.

During my first training period, I have
- Writing a customer satisfaction survey.
- Then I study the display of the advertising in the post-office.
- And made a phoning for the banker (“conseiller financier”).
- I have also hold a meeting.
- At least, I have organized an animation for the mother’s day.
During the last placement, I worked with my tutor to reorganize the public room (“salle public”) because the post office was being renovated. I was also responsible for working at the welcome desk to respond to costumers enquiries.
It was difficult because I couldn’t change anything in the post office without first explaining to the authorities who were very strict.
I had difficulty in the execution of my last project because I couldn’t change anything in the post-office public room without the approval of the national authorities.
For example, I want to reduce the queue, and for this, I propose to make a ticket system, and the authority doesn’t approve it.

To conclude, this work experience has been beneficial for my professional life. It has shown me what working life is like and has helped me to choose my future work.

Finally, I am very satisfied with my work even if they don’t accept my suggestion. It gives me an exciting experience.


Voilà, merci pour vos corrections, si vous avez n'importe quel conseil à me donner sur l'expression, je suis preneuse.

PS : j'ai une clavicule cassée, je me fais opérer lundi, si je pouvais avoir ma correction avant, ce serait pratique, j'aurais tout le temps de la réviser en attendant l'intervention...
-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 24-05-2008 22:57




Réponse: Présentation pour BTS (correction) de port58, postée le 25-05-2008 à 08:05:49 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Je ne suis pas une "boss" en anglais mais voilà ce qui m'a interpellé :

- "For found my training period", tu ne peux pas dire cela, for finding

- dans le $ "During my first training period, I have", tu ne dois pas mixer participes passés,présent ...
- written et non writting
- then I studied
- ...

- dans 2 phrases successives, tu dis : "because I couldn’t change anything" ; si tu supprimes la première "It was difficult because I couldn’t change anything in the post office without first explaining to the authorities who were very strict", ça ne changera rien et ce sera plus clair. Qu'entends-tu par "National authorities" ?

- dernière remarque qui ne concerne pas l'anglais : ta conclusion est bâclée, tu ne détailles pas assez et c'est trop vague, trop général ("To conclude, this work experience has been beneficial for my professional life. It has shown me what working life is like and has helped me to choose my future work"), alors que tu l'as bien fait pour détailler tes réalisations.
Voilà c'était pour t'aider, j'ai passé le même exam, il y a 7 ans ça s'appelait action et gestion commerciale. Bon courage et bonne chance !





Réponse: Présentation pour BTS (correction) de julie888, postée le 25-05-2008 à 12:14:03 (S | E)
OK, merci port58, je prend en compte ta correction et ta remarque, je reprend ma présentation.



My name is Julie and I'm currently doing a BTS MUC in Montpellier.
I did my training period at La Poste in xxxxx for 12 (twelve) weeks. 7 weeks in my first year, and 5 weeks in this year.
La Poste has a particularity; it has a dual role as a postal service and a bank at the same time.

To find my training period, I had to call a large number of firms especially in the sector of the bank.
I found this position in La Poste by contacting the local boss who placed me in the post-office of xxxxx.

During my first training period, I had to :
- Write a customer satisfaction survey.
- Then I study the display of the advertising in the post-office.
- And made a phoning for the banker (“conseiller financier”).
- I also had to hold a meeting.
- At least, I had organized an animation for the mother’s day.
During the last placement, I worked with my tutor to reorganize the public room (“salle public”) because the post office was being renovated. I was also in charge of the welcome desk to respond to costumers enquiries.
I had difficulty in the execution of my last project because I couldn’t change anything in the post-office public room without the approval of the head office.
For example, I want to reduce the queue, and for this, I proposed to make a ticket system, and the head office doesn’t approve it.

To conclude, this work experience has been beneficial for my professional life. I acquired new techniques and I also developed human relationships with employees. The dual role of La Poste has allowed me to learn by experience two different job. It has shown me what working life is like and has helped me to choose my future work.

Finally, I am very satisfied with my work even if they didn’t accept my suggestion. It gave me an exciting experience.



Voila le texte avec quelques modifications sur ce que tu m'as proposé mais aussi sur d'autres erreurs(en bleu) que m'as corrigé Faith-and-Hope (encore merci !).
J'essaie d'étoffer la conclusion, c'est vraie qu'elle est bâclée.
National authorities est censé vouloir dire "siège social", j'arrive pas à trouver la traduction (finalement j'ai trouvé). De même pour les mots comme “conseiller financier” ou “salle public” je ne suis pas du tout sure de moi...

Merci pour ton aide et tes encouragements.

PS : J'arrive pas à mettre mon texte en gras.




Réponse: Présentation pour BTS (correction) de julie888, postée le 25-05-2008 à 21:06:47 (S | E)
Personne n'as d'autres corrections à apporter ?

Suis sure qu'il reste des fautes, s'il vous plait aidez moi à les trouver.


Réponse: Présentation pour BTS (correction) de julie888, postée le 26-05-2008 à 20:28:05 (S | E)
Suis rentré de l'hopital.

Il m'ont presque pas touché. Je me ferai opéré jeudi avec anesthésie totale ! Encore mieux, je les verrai pas m'enlever les broches de l'épaule !

J'en profite pour réviser mon texte.

Voila la dernière version :

My name is Julie and I'm currently doing a BTS MUC in xxxx.
I did my training period at La Poste in xxxx during 12 (twelve) weeks. 7 weeks during my first year, and 5 weeks this year.
La Poste is a public corporation. It has a particularity; it has a dual (or double) role as a postal service and as a bank service.

To find my training, I had to call a large number of firms especially in the sector of the bank.
I found this position at La Poste by contacting the local boss (or manager) who placed me to the xxxx post-office.

During my first training period, I had to:
- Write a customer’s satisfaction survey.
- Then I studied the display of the advertising at the post-office.
- And I made a phoning for the financial advisor (or financial counselor).
- I had to hold a meeting.
- Also, I organized an animation for mother’s day.

During the second placement, I worked with my tutor to reorganize the public room because the post office was being renovated. Moreover, I was also in charge of the welcoming desk to respond to customers’ enquiries.

The both training period (“se sont bien passé” => Comment dire ça ?) I didn't meet problems during the realization of my tasks and project.
But I had some difficulties in the accomplishment of my last project because I couldn’t change anything in the post-office public room without the approval of the head office.
For example, I wanted to reduce the queue, and for this, I proposed to make a ticket system, and the head office didn’t approve this idea.

To conclude, this work experience has been beneficial for my professional life. I acquired new techniques and I also developed human relationships with employees.
The dual (or double) role of La Poste allowed me to learn by experience two different jobs. It has shown me what the working life is and it has helped me to make choice towards my future career.

Finally, I am very satisfied with my work. It gave me an exciting experience on the one hand in a professional view and on the other hand in a personal view. And it is a positive point for the future.

========================================================================

Voila normalement la c'est bon, plus aucune faute !
Dernière chose, comment on dit "les deux stages se sont en générale bien passée"

Encore merci.

-------------------
Modifié par julie888 le 26-05-2008 20:28


Réponse: Présentation pour BTS (correction) de port58, postée le 28-05-2008 à 21:53:28 (S | E)
Bonsoir Julie,
voilà ce que je peux suggérer :

The both training periods turned out well. I didn't meet problems during the realization of my tasks and project.
But I had some difficulties in the accomplishment of my last project because I couldn’t change anything in the post-office public room without the approval of the head office.
For example, I wanted to reduce the queue, and for this, I proposed to make a ticket system, and but the head office didn’t approve this idea.

To conclude, this work experience has been beneficial for my professional life. I acquired new techniques and I also developed human relationships with employees.
The dual (or double) role of La Poste allowed me to learn by experience to experiment two different jobs. It has shown me what the working life is and it has helped me to make choice towards my future career.

Finally, I am very satisfied with my work. It gave me an exciting experience on the one hand in a professional view and on the other hand in a personal view. And it is a positive point for the future.

Quand tu liras ce message, tu ne seras plus une étudiante "bionique"! plus de métal !

-------------------
Modifié par port58 le 28-05-2008 21:54


Réponse: Présentation pour BTS (correction) de stephenh, postée le 28-05-2008 à 23:15:23 (S | E)
Bonjour Julie,

C'est une trés bonne présentation.

la faute majeur est que l'anglais on exprime des choses à l'invers.

My name is Julie and I'm currently doing a BTS MUC in xxxx.
I did my 12 week training period at La Poste in xxxx during 12 (twelve) weeks. 7 weeks during my first year, and 5 weeks this year.
La Poste is a public corporation. It has a particularity traduction litérale
; it has a dual (or double) role as a postal service and as a bank service.

To find my training, I had to call a large number of firms especially in the sector of the bank (à l'invers "banking sector".
I found this position at La Poste by contacting the local boss "Boss" est la langue familiale donc ce n'est pas convenable pour une présentation, "manager" va bien
(or manager) who placed me to "With" pas "To"
the xxxx post-office.

During my first training period, I had to: c'est un liste donc il ne faut pas avoir des mots de liaison
- Write a customer’s satisfaction survey. le "customer" n'est pas le proprietaire du "Survey"
- Then I studied the display of the advertising at the post-office.à l'invers "Advertising display"
- And I made a phoning for the financial advisor (or financial counselor).qu'est-ce que vous avez fait? vous appellez les clients pour le conseilleur financier?
- I had to hold a meeting.
- Also, I organized an animation for mother’s day."Animation" est une traduction litérale

During the second placement, I worked with my tutor to reorganize the public room because the post office was being renovated. Moreover, I was also in charge of the welcoming "Welcoming" est une traduction litérale
desk to respond to customers’ enquiries.

The both training period (“se sont bien passé” => Comment dire ça ?) I didn't meet problems during the realization traduction litérale
of my tasks and project.
But I had some difficulties ici il y a une contradiction car vous n'avez pas des problèmes et immédiatement après vous constatez vous en avez
in the accomplishment of my last project because I couldn’t change anything in the post-office public room without the approval of the head office.
For example, I wanted to reduce the queue, and for this, I proposed to make a ticket system, and the head office didn’t approve this idea.

To conclude, this work experience has been beneficial for my professional life. I acquired new techniques and I also developed human relationships quelles autre relations vous avez avec les employées sauf le genre humain?
with employees.
The dual (or double) il ne faut pas le repéter car vous l'avez expliqué auparavant
role of La Poste allowed me to learn by experience two different jobs. It has shown me what the working life is and it has helped me to make choice c'est "a choice" ou "choices"
towards my future career.

Finally, I am very satisfied with my work. It gave me an exciting experience on the one hand in a professional view and on the other hand in a personal view. And it is a positive point for the future.





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