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Presentation text (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Presentation text
Message de damyoro posté le 20-05-2008 à 20:22:59 (S | E | F)

Hello everybody!

I wrote these few lines as a text of introduction to my English classmate. Can you suggest some improvements to me. I thank you for any help !
bye

Introduction
My name is xxx. I am in thirties. I am a civil servant and I’ve been working for 8 years.
My background is an electrical engineer graduated from ENI in 1999 and after I completed other post graduated studies.

I was born in Kayes and I did all my first years of school there up to high school. Since that time I was keen on learning languages, especially English though I was taking scientific subjects. I was aware that English was important but not such I realize today.
Today, I work at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents letters and emails on a daily basis. Moreover I often attend workshops and meetings held in English.

I am keen on learning, especially English and ICT. My hobbies are various and I wish I could sometimes spare some time to enjoy all of them. I like sports like football, athletics, and basketball. I like playing cards, scrabble. I like also listening to music, but I don’t go much for dancing.

I like to be in good company, with the family or friends. On weekends, sometimes we stay all the day together chatting, playing and watching TV.

I am said to be easy-going. However I like frankness, sincerity, humbleness and fairness and hate untruthfulness and disrespect.

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Modifié par bridg le 20-05-2008 21:43
Divers

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Modifié par damyoro le 21-05-2008 14:04


Réponse: Presentation text de hoger, postée le 21-05-2008 à 22:09:35 (S | E)
My name is xxx. I am in [article missing, preferably possessive "my"] thirties. I am a civil servant and I’ve been working [why continuous form? simple is OK] for 8 years.
My background is an electrical engineer [I have]graduated from ENI in [+ your field]in 1999 and after ["after" needs a complement: "after this," "after my studies," …—even better: find an alternative] I completed other post graduated studies.

I was born in Kayes and I did all my first years of school there up to high school. Since that time I was keen on learning languages, especially English though I was taking scientific subjects. I was aware that English was important but not such [?? "as mich as"? "enough"?] I realize today.
Today, I work [this time, continuous might be a good idea] at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents letters and emails on a daily basis. Moreover I often attend workshops and meetings held in English.

I am keen on learning, especially English and ICT. My hobbies are various [better start with "I have …"] and I wish I could sometimes [position!] spare some time to enjoy all of them. I like sports like football, athletics, and basketball. I like playing cards, scrabble. I like [repetition!] also listening to music, but I don’t go [better expression "to be into dancing"] much for dancing.

I like to be in good company, with the family or friends. On weekends, sometimes [word order!] we stay all the day together chatting, playing and watching TV.

I am said to be easy-going. However I like frankness, sincerity, humbleness and fairness and hate untruthfulness and disrespect. [how about "loch ness"? ]


Réponse: Presentation text de damyoro, postée le 22-05-2008 à 12:08:29 (S | E)
Hi Hoger
Thank you very for your great contribution. Here is the new version afer taking into account your suggestions.


My name is xxx. I am in my thirties. I am a civil servant and I’ve worked for 8 years.
I graduated from ENI in electrical engineering in 1999 and after this I completed other post graduate studies.

I was born in Kayes and I did all my first years of studies there up to high school. Since that time I was keen on learning languages, especially English though I was taking scientific subjects. I was aware that English was important but not as much as I realize today.
Today, I am working at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents letters and emails on a daily basis. Moreover I often attend workshops and meetings held in English.

I am keen on learning, especially English and ICT. I have various hobbies and I wish sometimes I could spare some time to enjoy all of them . I am fond of sports like football, athletics, and basketball. I like playing cards, scrabble as well as listening to music, but I am not into dancing.

I like being in good company, with the family or friends. Sometimes, on weekends, we stay all the day together chatting, playing and watching TV.

I am said to be easy-going. However I like frankness, sincerity, humbleness and fairness and hate untruthfulness and disrespect.

I need some explinations about some points of the text.
First, isn't it possible to use like +to (ie I like to be in..). Secondly, I didn't understand why you highlighted frankness, humbleness, fairness and untruthfulness and lastly what mean (loch ness )


Thank you

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Modifié par damyoro le 22-05-2008 14:44


Réponse: Presentation text de marlond, postée le 24-05-2008 à 16:35:01 (S | E)
My name is xxx. I am in my thirties. I am a civil servant and I’ve worked for 8 years.
- Sounds strange - "I've work for 8 years in this profession/field/area" or even "I've been a civil servant for eight years." The continuous is more apt here IMO.

I graduated from ENI in electrical engineering in 1999 and after this I completed other post graduate studies.
- You should probably capitalise the name of your subject - this is conventional, but not absolutely necessary. Remeber that English uses capitals much more than French.
- Usually a hyphen in "post-graduate" (and other words prefixed by "post-", for future reference).

I was born in Kayes and I did all my first years of studies there up to high school.
- Your English is slightly convoluted here and not really clear. You mean that you went to school in Kayes until the end of high school? Or until the beginning of high school? Reword this to make it clear.

Since that time I was keen on learning languages, especially English though I was taking scientific subjects.
- "that time" = "then"
- Unclear what you mean again: "Since then, I have been keen on learning.." (if you're still keen on it now and want to emphasize that you're still keen on it) or "From then on, I was keen on learning...". Remember the tenses with "since" are different from those which French uses with "depuis".
- We usually say "science subjects", though your version isn't wrong.

I was aware that English was important but not as much as I realize today.
Today
, I am working at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents letters and emails on a daily basis.
- Repeated word, next to each other. How about: "I was aware that English was important, but not as much as I have since realised. I am currently working at the..." [NB UK English spelling is "realise" usually, US English "realize" - choose whichever you prefer.)
- If you want to keep one of the "todays", I'd say personally that "Today, I work at the..." is better than the continuous form, as the latter makes it sound like you mean literally "today", and you mean it more generally in the sense of "currently", so "I work" fits slightly better (to my ear, anyway).

Moreover I often attend workshops and meetings held in English. I am keen on learning, especially English and ICT.
- You've already used this expression. Perhaps "I'm a keen learner, especially for English and ICT", which is a nice, idiomatic expression.

I have various hobbies and I wish sometimes I could spare some time to enjoy all of them .
- Position of "sometimes" isn't right.
- "spare more time", not "some".

I am fond of sports like football, athletics, and basketball. I like playing cards, scrabble as well as listening to music, but I am not into dancing.
- Missing "and"

I like being in good company, with the family or friends. Sometimes, on weekends, we stay all the day together chatting, playing and watching TV.
- I like being in good company - isn't wrong, but perhaps you could say "I enjoy good company, ..." to vary your expressions a bit.
- Only when speaking very colloquially would you use a definite article ("the") with "family".
- "At" the weekend, usually. "On" is rarely, but occasionally, used.
- You "spend a day doing something", you don't "stay a day doing something"
- "All the day" - should be "the whole day".


Réponse: Presentation text de marlond, postée le 24-05-2008 à 16:43:28 (S | E)
I am said to be easy-going. However I like frankness, sincerity, humbleness and fairness and hate untruthfulness and disrespect.
- "I am said to be.." - people don't really say this. It's not wrong, but you'd be more likely to say "My friends say I'm easy-going." or something like that.


I need some explinations [spelling!] about some points of the text.

First, isn't it possible to use like +to (ie I like to be in..).
- Grammatically you probably can say that, but you should really say "I like being..." - e.g. you can technically say "I like to swim", but an English person would say "I like swimming." I think that's what you were asking?

Secondly, I didn't understand why you highlighted frankness, humbleness, fairness and untruthfulness and lastly what mean (loch ness )
- I'm not sure why they're highlighted either. Loch Ness is a lake in Scotland, though, which is said to have a monster living in it (the Loch Ness Monster!). They're all correct technically, though the noun from "humble" is really "humility" (though you'll find "humbleness" in a dictionary too) and "untruthfulness" doesn't sound like a word (but I've just looked it up and it does exist) - I'd be much much more likely to say "dishonesty", though, which is a word you hear a lot.

Sorry if I've written too much - it's a really good text and it just needs a bit of polishing up to make it sound like native English.


Réponse: Presentation text de damyoro, postée le 24-05-2008 à 18:39:10 (S | E)
Hello Marlond
Thank you very much. Your remarks are relevant. There are many things to learn from them.
Thank again for all of you for your efforts!

Here is the new version after taking into account Marlond'remaks

My name is xxxxx. I am in my thirties. I have been a civil servant for 8 years.

I graduated from ENI in Electrical Engineering in 1999 and after this I completed other post-graduate studies.

I was born in Kayes and I did all my first years of studies there until the end of high school. Since then I have been keen on learning languages, especially English though I was taking science subjects. I was aware that English was important but not as much as I realize today.

I am currently working at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents letters and emails on a daily basis. Moreover I often attend workshops and meetings held in English.

I am married and live in Faladjé Sokoro with my wife, brothers and sisters.

I am still a keen learner, especially for English and ICT. I have various hobbies and sometimes I wish I could spare more time to enjoy all of them. I am fond of sports like football, athletics, and basketball. I like playing cards, scrabble and as well as listening to music, but I am not into dancing.

I enjoy good company, with family or friends. Sometimes, at the weekend, we spend the whole day together chatting, playing and watching TV.

My friends said I’m easy-going. However I like frankness, sincerity, humility and fairness and hate dishonesty and disrespect.


-------------------
Modifié par damyoro le 24-05-2008 19:47

-------------------
Modifié par damyoro le 24-05-2008 19:58

-------------------
Modifié par damyoro le 24-05-2008 20:16


Réponse: Presentation text de violet91, postée le 24-05-2008 à 19:19:55 (S | E)
Hello damyoro,

Pas surprise de voir votre intérêt pour l' Anglais.Texte de départ :fort bon..revu et corrigé: presque parfait.

Explanations: To like to et to like +-ing ont des nuances différentes. grammaire oblige.

1) To like to : occasionnel: de tps à autre : you like to meet thi or that person,but it isn't always the case.

2 ) To like +-ing: généralité: You like being in good company ; chatting all day long with your family or friends. You like doing sports such as football,tennis and.. . You like playing the Scrabble.

Being in your(early,mid,late?) thirties ,you still like writing to your English schoolfellow.

Have a nice week-end, too!


Réponse: Presentation text de marlond, postée le 25-05-2008 à 03:12:28 (S | E)
I was born in Kayes and I did all my first years of studies there until the end of high school.
- This bit still isn't quite right - almost, though! It just doesn't sound very English, but I understand what you mean now. I'd say: "where I studied until the end of high school."

I am currently working at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents letters and emails on a daily basis.
- Sorry, I missed this one the first time around. I think you're trying to form a compound noun of some sort, but it doesn't really work here. You could say "where I deal with English documents" or "where I deal with English letters" but not a combination of the two. If you want a compound-noun-type-thing you could say "where I deal with English language documents".

I like playing cards, scrabble and as well as listening to music, but I am not into dancing.
- The "and"'s in the wrong place! Should be "I like playing cards and scrabble as well as listening to music,..." - you should think of the things before "as well as" as a sentence of their own, so you couldn't say "I like playing cards, scrabble. [end of sentence]" in English (nor in French).

Sometimes, at the weekend, we spend the whole day together chatting, playing and watching TV.
- "at weekends" would be better - but I'm just being difficult now! "At the weekend" sounds like it refers to a specific weekend, but it's true that people do use it in the more general sense too.

My friends said I’m easy-going.
- Should definitely be "say" - if you write "said" it means that they said that thing on one occasion.


Thanks to violet 91 for the grammar rule - I've never taught English so I just go by what sounds right to my ear, but it's always good to have proper rules when you're learning a rule. From what she's written, I'd advise that you always say "to like + ing" as you can always say that, whereas "to like + to" often (but not always) sounds strange. Your text is really very good now, and good luck in the future. Don't hesitate to ask if you have any more worries/questions etc.

marlond


Réponse: Presentation text de damyoro, postée le 26-05-2008 à 17:35:59 (S | E)
Hello! Marlond
Thank you for your quick reply.

I reworded some parts of the text on the basis of your remarks. Regarding your second one ".....I deal with English documents, letters and emails..." I missed a comma out after documents. does it work now?

My name is xxxxxx. I am in my thirties. I have been a civil servant for 8 years.

I graduated from ENI in Electrical Engineering in 1999 and after this I completed other post-graduate studies.

I was born in Kayes where I studied until the end of high school. Since then I have been keen on learning languages, especially English though I was taking science subjects. I was aware that English was important but not as much as I realize today.

I am currently working at the National Direction of Energy where I deal with English documents, letters and emails on a daily basis. Moreover I often attend workshops and meetings held in English.

I am married and live in Faladjé Sokoro with my wife, brothers and sisters.

I am still a keen learner, especially for English and ICT. I have various hobbies and sometimes I wish I could spare more time to enjoy all of them. I am fond of sports like football, athletics, and basketball. I like playing cards and scrabble as well as listening to music, but I am not into dancing.

I enjoy good company, with family or friends. Sometimes, at weekends, we spend the whole day together chatting, playing and watching TV.

My friends say I’m easy-going. However I like frankness, sincerity, humility and fairness and hate dishonesty and disrespect.




Réponse: Presentation text de marlond, postée le 26-05-2008 à 21:27:10 (S | E)
Regarding your second one ".....I deal with English documents, letters and emails..." I missed a comma out after documents. does it work now?
Yep. That's fine.

I only have one (minor) query really, and that's the title of the place you work: "National Direction of Energy" - is this a translation of something French? It's the word 'direction' I'm referring to really, as the French word "la direction" can be translated into English into several ways. The English word "direction" only really means something like the French "chemin". Can you give me the French and we'll see what the English equivalent would be?

Apart from that, everything seems perfect - I can't see anything wrong.

marlond



Réponse: Presentation text de damyoro, postée le 31-05-2008 à 12:36:27 (S | E)
hello! Everybody

I haven't been well last week that's why I couldn't reply in time.

The name of my office in french is "Direction Nationale de l'Energie"
Many thanks to all of you


Réponse: Presentation text de marlond, postée le 31-05-2008 à 16:04:45 (S | E)
I'd go for "National Energy Board" or "the National Energy Board of [your country]".

Hope you're feeling bettter,
marlond




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