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Who do you feel closer to.. (correction) (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Who do you feel closer to.. (correction)
Message de jejoff posté le 05-11-2007 à 16:40:26 (S | E | F | I)

Bonjour,
J'ai rédigé un petit texte (il faut faire 200 mots environ), voici le sujet :
"Who do you feel closer to, Brian or Kevin ? Why ?"
Je vous passe le texte par la même occasion :
page 1:
Lien Internet

page 2:
Lien Internet

L'histoire se passe en Irlande, pendant la "guerre civile", les groupes terroristes etc... Deux garçons catholiques, Brian et Kevin se disputent car Brian veut utiliser ses armes, bien sûr Kevin est contre. Voici en "gros" de quoi parle le texte (voir plus haut les deux liens pour le lire).

ma redaction :

Personally, I feel closer to Kevin for several reasons.
The first reason is, like Kevin, I am pacifist (although I would like to join the army to become a transport pilot...). I am convinced that be pacifist it is actually the best solution (for example some man, such as Gandhi have succeeded their missions without using violence).
It is scandalous if Brian or a ordinary person join the rebels and make a innocent victim, moreover, that will not solve the problems...We are entitled to protest but I don't understand why they kill civil !
The second reason is that I can't help thinking that to imagine me instead of Kevin, his sister almost died because of the rebels and that might be my sister or your family !
On the other hand, I make friends with kevin through this text because he would like to save his friend even if Brian treats him like a dog.
Kevin is a lovable man and I feel like supporting against Brian and the terrorists.

Je dois être à 165 mots... Je suis pas fort en anglais donc je pense que c'est assez mauvais et je voudrais avoir des petits conseils ou une correction comme vous voulez, merci aux membres du forum qui aident les autres !

Cordialement,
Jérôme


Réponse: Who do you feel closer to.. (correction) de life76, postée le 05-11-2007 à 19:18:37 (S | E)

I am convinced that be pacifist it is actually the best solution(for example some man, such as Gandhi have succeeded their missions without using violence).
It is scandalous if Brian or a ordinary person join the rebels and make a innocent victim, moreover, that will not solve the problems...We are entitled to protest but I don't understand why they kill civil !
The second reason is that I can't help thinking that to imagine me instead of Kevin, his sister almost died because of the rebels and that might be my sister or your family !
On the other hand, I make friends with kevin through this text because he would like to save his friend even if Brian treats him like a dog.
Kevin is a lovable man and I feel like supporting against Brian and the terrorists.

=
I am convinced that being pacifist is actually the best solution(for example some men, such as Gandhi have succeeded in their missions without using violence).
It will be scandalous if Brian or any ordinary person joins the rebels and makes( traduit du francais "causes" est plus correcte) an innocent victim. Moreover, that will not solve all the problems...We are entitled to protest but I don't understand why they kill civilians !
The second reason is that I can't help imagining myself standing in Kevin's shoes, his sister almost died because of the rebels and that might have been my sister or your family !
On the other hand,( ou est on the one hand?)I agree with kevin because he would like to save his friend even if Brian treats him like a dog.
Kevin is a lovable man and I feel like standing on his side and supporting him against(mieux vaut l'enlever et dire) not Brian and the terrorists.

le texte est bon seulement la fin est peu claire. un conseil evite de penser en francais ou de tout le temps essayer de traduire. j'espere avoir pu t'aider
life76



Réponse: Who do you feel closer to.. (correction) de jejoff, postée le 05-11-2007 à 20:29:31 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour ton aide ! J'ai bien corrigé, j'ai fait quelques erreurs assez bêtes puis d'autres à cause de mes "bases" qui sont pas trés solides... Et c'est vrai comme beaucoup de personnes je pense trop souvent en français c'est pas évident !

Voici la version modifiée :

Personally, I feel closer to Kevin for several reasons.
The first reason is, like Kevin, I am pacifist (although I would like to join the army to become a transport pilot...).I am convinced that being pacifist is actually the best solution(for example some men, such as Gandhi have succeeded in their missions without using violence).
It will be scandalous if Brian or any ordinary person joins the rebels and makes an innocent victim. Moreover, that will not solve all the problems...We are entitled to protest but I don't understand why they kill civilians !
The second reason is that I can't help imagining myself standing in Kevin's shoes, his sister almost died because of the rebels and that might have been my sister or your family !
Here is my last reason, I agree with kevin because he would like to save his friend even if Brian treats him like a dog. Indeed Kevin knows in spite of his reprimands, that Brian will have died if he wants to use his weapon.
Kevin is a trustworthy man and I feel like standing on his side and supporting him against Brian and the terrorists.


Cordialement,
Jérôme

P.S. Encore merci !

-------------------
Modifié par jejoff le 06-11-2007 11:12


Réponse: Who do you feel closer to.. (correction) de jejoff, postée le 06-11-2007 à 11:11:55 (S | E)
J'ai bien vérifié je pense que c'est pas trop mal et je vais garder cette version modifiée et peut être changer quelques trucs.

Cordialement,
Jérôme




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