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Correction/Expression

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/Expression
Message de petite-tagada- posté le 08-04-2012 à 21:33:07 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir !!

Je souhaiterai demander votre aide pour m'aider à corriger mon expression s'il vous plaît !
Je raconte l'histoire d'un homme qui s'est attaché à la culture de son pays d'origine qu'est la Pologne ;)

Poppy is a man who lives with his wife and her daughter in England. He left rashly his country, Poland, to avoid the war and begin a new life in safety. He lives a good life in his new country, " Better than some of the other men in the café ", even if his arrival was not easy because of his origins. He keeps the roots of his origin's country and the habits of Poland, he does not consider totally himself as English because a part of him is attached in Poland. For example, he frequents a Polish café where he meets people and speaks Polish, he reads Polish newspapers, he remembers himself smells of the Polish cooking with the borcsh and pierogi. Finally, he lives between two cultures. It allows him to keep his identity, to remember who he really is and to not forget his origins. To continue to become attached to the Polish customs is a way for him to remember probably his childhood. Even though he has adapted well to life in England, it will never take the place of his true country, because/for Poland is his real home.
We can observe that he is afraid for his new foreign neighbors. Indeed, he asserts that he will have troubles. It reminds himmaybe his own arrival, him foreigner arriving in England. The neighbors did not maybe integrate to him at once and he thinks that it will be the same thing with West Indians. In this district, the foreigners are not welcome. Poppy lives with a constant fear, " he alxays thought something was wrong." This anxiety is caused by the war that he lived and does not want that his family lives the same horrible things as he was able to live. To come in England is a means to find the safety for his family and to forget its hard past of the war.

Merci beaucoupp !!!

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 08-04-2012 21:59


Réponse: Correction/Expression de bany11, postée le 09-04-2012 à 11:51:27 (S | E)
Hello,

We don't say origin's country, I prefer to use country of origin in line 2and 3
Avoid to use English, British is a better word and we don't say 'a part of him we say 'part of him'. we don't say he 'remembers himself' we say 'he remembers the smells...' I prefer to use the word 'In order to become attached to Polish' to use 'To continue to become attached' I think that you have missed a word in ' because/for Poland is his real home' we say ' because for him Poland is his real home'

You have wrongly written 'neighbors' we say 'neighbours'. I prefer to use 'thinks' to 'asserts' . 'himmaybe' there is a space between him and maybe . I prefer to say 'he is a foreigner arriving in England' to use "him a foreigner arriving in England.'' in line 8 and 9

We say in this district foreigners are not welcomed not welcome. We write always not alxays.
'his family lives the same horrible things as he was able to live' It will be better if you could write 'experiences' in the place
of 'lives'

'To come in England is a means to find the safety for his family and to forget its hard past of the war'
It will be better if you could write' 'To come in England is a (way)to find the safety (of) his family and to forget (his) (harsh) past of war . not the war

Thank you! I know I couldn't help you a lot as I am only 12 years old.
Thank you once again !

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-04-2012 12:04



Réponse: Correction/Expression de petite-tagada-, postée le 09-04-2012 à 13:32:18 (S | E)
Oh you are so cute! Thank you very much for your precious help!





Réponse: Correction/Expression de gerondif, postée le 09-04-2012 à 19:54:57 (S | E)
Bonjour,
ce thème a déja été traité sur ce site l'an dernier...

Poppy is a man who lives with his wife and her(à lui ou à elle) daughter in England. He left rashly(mal placé, mettre l'adverbe derrière his country) his country, Poland, to avoid the war and begin a new life in safety. He lives a good life in his new country, " Better than some of the other men in the café ", even if his arrival was not easy because of his origins. He keeps the roots of his origin's country (his country of origin)and the habits of Poland, he does not consider totally(à placer derrière himself) himself as English because a part of him is attached in Poland. For example, he frequents(me paraît trop français) a Polish café where he meets people and speaks Polish, he reads Polish newspapers, he remembers himself smells of the Polish cooking with the borcsh and pierogi. Finally(me paraît mal choisi), he lives between two cultures. It allows him to keep his identity, to remember who he really is and to not (dans l'autre sens)forget his origins. To continue to become (il continue à être attaché, pas à devenir attaché: to keep being attached to...)attached to the Polish customs is probably a way for him to remember his childhood. Even though he has adapted well to life in England, it will never take the place of his true country, because/for Poland is his real home.
We can observe that he is afraid for his new foreign neighbors. Indeed, he asserts that he will have troubles. Maybe it reminds him (le verbe est to remind somebody OF something) his own arrival, him foreigner arriving in England. The neighbors did not maybe(mal placé) integrate to him at once and he thinks that it will be the same thing with West Indians. In this district, the foreigners are not welcome. Poppy lives with a constant fear, " he always thought something was wrong." This anxiety is caused by the war that he lived and does not want that his family lives (mauvaise construction. exemple: I don't want you to come)the same horrible things as he was able to (vous voulez vraiment dire : qu'il a été capable de vivre " ou vous vouliez dire "qu'il a dû vivre"?)live. To come in England is a means to find the safety for his family and to forget its hard past of the war.





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